Mayday, Miss Marcy! Zack Attack, Rageaholics, Burnt Biscuits

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Last week, we had a set of questions about hearing accessibility, terrain (and buying your way into a hobby), and couples (bored) game night. This week, let's see what the bag has in store:

Zack in Action

Dear Miss Marcy,

Long-time reader, first-time writer over here. I am normally a pretty sociable person, at least by Warhammer player standards, but I've been stuck in a dilemma for quite some time. I have joined several game clubs over the years with tremendous variation in systems and people, but I always seem to run into a similar kind of problematic person. This person, who I am going to refer to as the "Zack" of the group, is a tremendously enthusiastic and well-meaning individual. They're clearly both socially awkward and at least a little bit on the spectrum, and have poured a great deal of love and passion into the hobby.

Zack is rarely a bad person, but that doesn't stop them also being tremendously obnoxious. You see, Zack loves the hobby! His hobby. He will tell you for hours on end about his army, or his dnd character, or his mtg deck, and when you want to try talking back, he'll just interrupt you or clearly not listen. When it comes to actual game playing, he will usually want the majority of the game to be spent focused on himself and anything you say that isn't that will be seen as a personal offense. It can turn a thriving club into one guy's personal squad of people to talk at for hours on end. Again, he clearly means well, and his character/army/deck is usually really cool! And fun to talk about! The Zack is never a bad guy, so it becomes an awkward push and pull of trying not to hurt his feelings while also wanting to be able to have fun in my, y'know, hobby that I do for fun.

All of this has come to a head in my most recent club. The other members are all relatively new, with the notable exception of a Zack. This Zack is, as usual, a very nice, very talented person who Will Not Stop Talking About His Tyranids, to the point of being obnoxious towards other players who don't play Tyranids, or who aren't as skilled a player and painter as he is. As both the most social and most experienced member, I feel a sort of responsibility to help the newer players, who are also all very nice people. But I genuinely fear the Zack pushing away the newer players from the hobby, which has already started to happen. Nobody here means poorly, but I'm not sure how to make the Zack stop being a jerk without pushing him out of the hobby. I feel stuck between acting as a mediator and having to choose between letting the Zack get pushed out or the other players. And all of this I'm doing voluntarily! Any advice?

Attack of the Zack

Dear Attack of the Zack,

Ah, this guy. I think your "Zack" is a very specific type of Guy that is gender neutral and hobby neutral, and the biggest problem is that they are sometimes neurotypical, which can often be navigated, but often times they are simply just socially unaware or rude, which is far harder. The Zack is specific because they are generally engaging in a few almost antisocial behaviors: waiting to talk instead of active listening, taking over conversations, and being overbearing in terms not reading the room. The lack of active listening is the worst part, because that's just generally rude. Yes, a majority of people are simply waiting for their turn to talk and aren't actually listening to much of what is being said around them, but the problem is when that is the ONLY thing a person does. The other problems are more specific and perhaps harder to assume or know based on your current "Zack", but let's try and tackle the problem.

Although you might expect me to say that you need to talk to Zack and explain that his behavior is making the current situation unwelcoming or overbearing for newer players and interested parties, I think first you need to somewhat assess your positioning in the group. Are you a member of this group that has some pull or seniority in which people would listen to you about things? While we do want to assume everyone will listen to others simply because they are human, sometimes in group dynamics it can be more awkward to try and "fix" the group if you aren't really in a position where most of those attending know you or respect you enough to listen. Let's assume you do, though; the next thing you need to figure out is whether losing Zack will improve your group. The reason for that question is that there is a good chance that trying to correct his behavior will simply make him leave; that doesn't mean he is worth keeping around, just try to gauge what damage could be caused if he were to leave.

Overall, though, I do think it is easy to commiserate here as I've encountered a lot of "Zacks" in my life, and sometimes they are reasonable, and other times they are not. What really concerns me is less his hyperfixation and love of his army and more his disparaging of what other people are doing, because that's where it starts to not be okay. If he's being rude and overbearing, I think that's what I would focus on when trying to talk to him or other people about addressing the behavior, since that's what is really probably driving people away or making them upset; I know for a fact that in my experience having to deal with someone who constantly talks down to me about a thing, even if they are trying to be "Funny" or "on brand", annoys me to no end and has made me stop engaging with things.

To sum up, consider talking to him or talking to others who can talk to him about his behavior in terms of negativity towards others, and then consider trying to navigate the rest; if you feel like you aren't in the position to do this the best, try and figure out who is, or who can, and also just try to remember Zack, even when annoying, also wants to be there and have fun, so try to help him chill out and have a good time with everyone else.

PS: Also, to your note, thank you. I'm glad. Just make sure you're around longer than me to keep it going!

Rageaholics Anonymous

Dear Marcy,

My gaming group has a pretty consistent group of players, and we've all known each other for a few years now. We've thankfully navigated most of the problems gaming groups have well, but something that's been a newer problem is that one of our members has had an increasingly repeating issue of becoming angry, almost explosively so. Often they are quiet and affable, but lately there are moments when the anger just sort of bursts out of them and can very much throw off the vibes. They seem aware of it and will immediately apologize, but it really does kind of leave some of us scratching our heads. It doesn't seem like it is directed at anyone in particular, but instead themselves or the situation, but I am starting to find that I don't want to engage in situations where it might erupt. Any tips?

Avoiding the Anger

Dear Avoiding,

Therapy. Therapy therapy therapy therapy therapy therapy therapy therapy therapy.

Anyway, this person needs help. I'm not a medical or psychological expert but something seems to be very wrong here, especially if you say that their behavior is not new. Having that sort of explosive anger, even if directed inward, feels like a sign of some larger issue or problem that is manifesting when you see them for gaming. My guess is that whenever they lose, misplay, or have something go wrong, they get explosively angry at the game or themselves for allowing it to happen; you mention that they don't get angry directly "at others", but it still must feel like you have to walk on eggshells if they do get angry or seem like they will, and that isn't fair to you or anyone else in the group.

You need to talk to them--you say they are aware, but that isn't stopping it--and figure out what the source of the anger is. And, frankly, if they can't control themselves, I think you and your group need to consider asking them to stop playing until they can get it under control. Even if gaming is their outlet, it isn't fair of them to do that to the rest of you, and there could be other underlying issues that will make it worse. I really suggest for your safety that you try and talk to this person sooner rather than later, and have the group try to talk to them together rather than single them out. But no matter what, there's no excuse for this behavior and you have probably tolerated it too long already.

Crumbling Attitude

Dear Miss Marcy,

When my tabletop group started getting together, something we did early on was work to bring food to our gaming nights. Often, this would help prevent us from having to go out to eat and also make it easier for everyone to eat something they wanted. Also, over time, it started to become fun as we would theme our foods or meals, which started to be a little more engaging. Lately, however, I seem to be the only person who has continued to put much effort into this; I routinely bake cookies or other things and bring them to the game night, but there have been a few recent events in which my cookies are the only thing that anyone brings at all; not even drinks.

My question is whether or not I should stop? People often self-report that they were busy, or other reasons, but no one seems to offer something of a solution in response. We also now have to take breaks to go get food, order food, or otherwise navigate the issue, but my question really is more selfish: am I stupid for still making cookies?

Baked and Burnt

Dear Baked,

I don't think you are stupid for still making them. I am something of a baker myself, and I know that even making something as simple as cookies takes time and effort, meaning that you are investing labor into it and seem to enjoy it. I can even respect the idea that the baking process is some form of meditative state for you much like I tend to treat cooking or brewing coffee, so I think if you really didn't want to do it any more, you would have stopped. I actually wonder if you are still doing it because you are hoping that others will start to pick up the slack again, but also I think you are doing it because you appreciate your group and want to give them something you've made, so you continue to make the cookies for them.

So I think that you should continue making them as long as it isn't costing you money, time, or labor that you could be using elsewhere, especially if you feel like what you are making is unappreciated. I have a larger concern, which is that your entire group seems to have been hit by some form of preparation anxiety, depression, or other issue in which now people aren't even bringing something to drink with them to a get together. It would really benefit your group to talk about this issue and try to fix it, because it will continue to be a problem no matter what--you can't live off of cookies, as much as we'd like to--but the bigger problem is that every time your group goes "oh, I forgot this week," it sounds like they are all putting it off to "tomorrow's problems". See if you can get your group back on track and bring it up, and even just see if something simple, like, "hey everyone, let's order a pizza today before we start" and see if that helps.

Also, I guess I am a little sad you didn't include any recipes or pictures of the cookies, but that's fine. I hope they're good and remain good!

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