Mayday, Miss Marcy! Talk to the Hand, Only Girl at the Club, and Crazy Costs

Hello once again dear readers to Mayday, Miss Marcy! where I take your carefully submitted questions and 9/10 times suggest that you speak to the human being next to you. Okay, maybe 8/10 times. Anyway, we are an advice column and so once again we are gathered here today to provide you with the advice to the questions you seek. It may not be the right answer, but it is the answer you're getting right now, so that will just have to do!

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With that out of the way, let’s get to the questions!

Hands Up

Dear Miss Marcy,

Are you familiar with teachers who used to do the 'everyone be quiet when I raise my hand' sort of behavior? I'm not sure how universal that is, but I figured I would lead with that because recently my LGS has inherited a group of players from a store that had closed. For the most part the integration of players has gone okay, but there are a few, for lack of a better word, greybeards who have been doing just about everything possible to not be included.

Of course, the simple answer would just be to ask them not to come or slowly exclude them from events or play till they shape up, but I feel like that's being cruel; however, they're generally fairly surly, unfriendly, and dismissive, but one of them in particular expects other people to stop talking when he raises his hand. As far as I can tell this is because he was in charge of things at the other store, but he's basically only been here for a few weeks now.

I really feel kind of odd telling a man old enough to potentially be my father than he's acting like a weird spoiled child, but it is getting very grating. We've had people get bothered by and made uncomfortable by the general behavior, but this quirk alone has caused more problems than anything else.

Do we just tell him to talk to the hand and get out?

Hands-On

Dear Hands-On,

I know I joked in the introduction about this, but yes, you should tell this man he is behaving like a brat, and not in the attractive ways. There certainly is some room to empathize if their old haunt closed; local to me, a store closed a few years ago when the owner passed away, and another nearby store did try to absorb the community but from what I recall most people said it was just the end of an era. It does stand to reason that these players are trying to simply carry on with how they were doing things and what they were doing, but are not forced to relocate to a new environment.

If we do think of this reductively, it is pretty similar to moving schools or even neighborhoods as a child; these players were very accustomed to something, for however many years that store existed, and this was the culture they came up with. And that's fine... except that place doesn't exist anymore. You've noted that most of the other people you've met from that store have tried and worked to integrate into your store's culture, so regardless of weird behaviors, it sounds like this group is just not trying to play along and instead wants to do thing the way they used to.

I'd say you should tell him that raising his hand like an elementary school teacher and demanding silence from other people is not going to fly, but I'd also say you (I assume you must have some level of authority in the store to be asking) should tell this group simpler terms: shape up or ship out, because they're failing the vibe check.

Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Girls Club Band

Dear Marcy,

I'm a 20-something gal who has recently tried joining a board gaming group at my college. I have to admit that the problem I'm having is that I am the only, well, girl here, but I'm also the only non-male identifying person in the group too, just to try and maybe illustrate my issue a bit better. The group is, really, fine. No one has tried asking me out or made weird comments about me being there or wanting to play games, so that isn't the type of issue I'm having.

The issue is that the cross talk in the group tends to be... very male.

I don't know if I can explain it very well but basically they tend to talk about things other than board games, and sometimes they talk about women in media, music, or etc., and while the comments are not explicit, it can sometimes feel very odd and objectifying to hear them comment. They they seem to remember that I am in the room, and things then get awkward. I am not 'one of the guys' type of gal, so I don't just brush it off, but I also try to just move on with things.

I'd say this isn't an everyday problem that happens all the time. There are also times when they sort of the do the same thing but 'woke', like they'll comment about a woman to try and criticize how she's portrayed, such as art in a game. This also tends to make things awkward, because I can't tell if they are doing that for me, or think that I would be happy they said that, or that they are actually objecting to it, because most of the time when they do I'm not in agreement with them, although I again keep it to myself.

I really don't want to quit the club, but I have no idea how to bring this up, and I kind of just wish the club had more women or non-cis men in it, because that might help shift the balance.

No Woman's an Island

Dear Island,

Boy, do I kind of get this one. There really is the unfortunate reality that a lot of hobby spaces are still predominately male, and even amongst the best of them, somewhat male socialized attitudes and habits can still manifest pretty regularly. I think that you're dealing with a pretty standard problem, which unfortunately doesn't have an easy answer; I think that you're not wrong for the way you're feeling, either, but I do think that the loneliness is exacerbating it.

I say that because I think that while you say the group is nice and generally you've had a good time, the fact that you remain somewhat guarded because of their comments means you are not fully comfortable in the space and are unlikely to become so. It may even be as you say that their comments about game art or similar things may be to try and make you feel comfortable, but it has the opposite effect because it feels performative (whether they recognize it or not). I'd say your other concern is harder to gauge, because straight men saying a woman is attractive is not inherently a crime, but I feel like it is more the way they are talking and what they are saying, and that part I can understand.

I would say perhaps that you should see if there is any possibility of recruiting people; I know that puts a lot of labor on your part, but if you found this group, others might, and they may not have been as brave as you were to join a group in which you were the only woman. Otherwise, while I won't say quit, I would say that if playing a board game is going to cost you mental health points to do so, I'd maybe see if you could find somewhere else to play, sadly.

Guzzled Up

Miss Marcy,

I live in America to preface this before anyone perhaps comments about asking prices, but lately because of the idiocy of the government that runs my country, my household costs for gas have ballooned recently. I have to drive a fair distance to participate in my hobbying, and I'd say that a usual week of playing and other things involves around 3 to 4 hours of total driving and easily around 100 to 120 miles all told. I know that the jump in prices is perhaps temporary, but I've already been a little pressed and now that gas where I live is nearing five dollars a gallon, I'm really having to face the possibility of giving up on some of my hobby time.

I don't expect you to have some sort of solution, but I feel like this is both unfair and yet the best possible choice I can make. Should I suck it up and just pay, or should I just realize that the good times may be over for a while?

Running on Empty

Dear Running,

I don't think there's any way around it but to accept that since this is the reality we are forced to live in or have chosen to accept, we have to then also deal with the consequences of other people's actions upon us (or our own, if we're responsible for this situation in some way). You are probably correct in judging that you may not be able to maintain your current situation if the cost is getting too high. I've certainly had to start considering driving and traveling less myself, because I live in a similarly unfriendly area in which driving to things is mandatory.

I think it is also unfair, at least in the sense that the cost is not something you're incurring of your own volition. I would say that the temporary jump in gas prices may be exactly that, but if they aren't, there's only so long you might be able to absorb them given your budgetary needs. And, the longer things cost more, the more your overall cost of things will go up, as well as the fact that you're going to find you just have less money to use for things also; that tank of gas now costing you 50 dollars is certainly going to do a lot to your food and hobby discretionary funds, and it sounds like driving to your hobbies, while not minimal, is not the driver of your overall spending on the road; however, those are 100~ miles you could have saved for a trip to work, or the store, or simply pushing your need to refuel another week. Start thinking up or working on contingencies: could you car pool with anyone? Are there places you and others could meet halfway and maybe help lower everyone's overall costs of travel? These would be better to try than giving up your hobby completely; I'd say leave that as a last and hopefully temporary resort.

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Tags: mayday miss marcy