Mayday, Miss Marcy! Spouse Sequel, At a Loss, Roommate Woes

Welcome back once again dear readers to Mayday, Miss Marcy! If you noticed a slight gap in our advice giving antics, your lovely host was traveling and, despite best efforts, arrived back home with a cold that required an unfortunate amount of attention to overcome. But with the cold mastered and jetlag behind, it is time to resume answering your burning (or smouldering, at this point) questions in the way that only we can here.

If you've never read this column before, think of it like the famous advice columns in newspapers, where readers submit their queries and I do my best to provide them with the best possible answers that I can come up with. Last time we talked about Historicals, the value of therapy, and not airbrushing your lungs to death, and this time, we have a new selection of questions for your considerations.

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And now, on with the questions!

Spouse Grouse Two

Hi Marcy.

I have a quandary in my miniatures gaming life that's causing some friction.

I am a long time wargamer, and my wife has more recently joined the hobby, initially to paint but as time wore on she's been enjoying playing the games more and more. We have a reasonable sized group of people playing a mix of different games, but most often Age of Sigmar or Spearhead. My wife has played a few games against everyone in the group and enjoys them.

The only time she gets frustrated and wants to stop playing is when we're playing each other. I love her dearly and value our time together, and it frustrates me that whole we both enjoy the game we can't seem to enjoy it at the same table.

I'm concerned that it might be a playstyle mismatch (I play Seraphon quite defensively while she enjoys faster but more fragile Hedonites). The apparently obvious solution would be for me to switch faction but no other AoS force draws my eye like the lizards.

Do you have any advice to help us have fun with Spearhead again?

Yours,

A concerned and scaled husband.

Dear Concerned and Scaled,

I think it is admirable that you think the solution is to just play a different army, but the actual solution requires a far more easy solution: You have to talk to your wife about her behavior. There is a correct way of doing this and an incorrect way of doing it, and so I will help you out. You need to approach the discussion by asking her, "Hey, I've noticed that when we play against one another, you seem to get frustrated and unhappy. Is there something going on that we can work out?" Because while you think the issue is your armies, that can't be the case, unless literally no one else plays defensively.

There are perhaps a few guesses I can toss out to why she is behaving this way, and one of them may be that she reads your defensive playstyle as you "going easy" on her (although you never mention which of you wins or loses in these match-ups) because she is your wife, not a competitor. Another possibility is that maybe your match-up really is just that boring, but it wouldn't explain the constant frustration of it being just you, because other players must have similarly defensive playstyles or armies that lend themselves to slower play.

I suggest you try and note specific things about the last few times you have played. If you can pin down what it is that seems to lead to her being frustrated, and you frustrated, I think the conversation between you and her can be fruitful. There is something to be said of offering to give up what you're doing to help your spouse feel more comfortable, but that doesn't seem to be the correct call here, and you'd then be sacrificing your own time and hobby to simply make your wife have a better time playing against you, but at what general cost to your overall play? There are boundaries that you need to keep, and if your wife can't help but be frustrated and possibly a bad sport while playing you, you should consider that maybe you two should avoid playing against one another, but find ways to hobby together otherwise.

Familiarity (And Time) Breeds Many Things

Dear Miss Marcy,

Back in the late 1990’s and early Noughties, I was very good at 40K. Not boasting (see later on!) but I was pretty unbeatable. In 2000, in the long distant past when Games Workshop still did competitions in their stores here in the U.K., I won a regional competition. I was ruthless, dedicated, but in the end I realised not very content. As I have aged I have become much less competitive, wanting to savour the gaming experience rather than smashing my opponents into oblivion. This however has come at a cost it seems. Of course I’m a LOT older now, sixty is firmly in the rear view mirror!!! But I don’t feel old. I also don’t play often. There are no gaming venues locally so it’s a long drive to get a game.

1. I’m losing a lot which is not fun. I don’t seem to be able to adapt to new challenges, new armies, rules changes, something I used to be really up for. 2. I can’t remember much of the rules and sub rules. I write everything down for reference during a game, then forget to check the reference sheet! I am not able to use all these APP thingys to keep tabs on my Secondaries etc. 3. For some reason I get anxious before a game, all friendlies with the same pal, which I never used to do. Despite in my mind knowing it’s supposed to be a fun experience not a tabletop argument! 4. The friend I play with, who I used to beat regularly, changed his army. He now plays Chaos Daemons. I have absolutely NO idea how to counter his 6” deep strike and charge. I have tried various different army compositions with 12” no reserve bubbles, multiple unit screening but he has trashed me every time by turn three! Is this me getting old? Do I need to be more hyped up competitively??

I love 40K. I love the grimdark vibe. I love the Space Wolves, Guard and I’ve invented my own chapter of Space Marines. I also love the game, to me it’s a tabletop story, acting out in realtime.

But in order to REALLY enjoy it I do need to win a bit.

Surprisingly, as a footnote, and contrary to all the above, I have been to Glasshammer in Telford for two RTT’s, each with 32 players. I came 13th the first time and 7th the second. Which doesn’t make much sense, as my friend who always beats me, came last then 15th…This hobby has been a joy to me for over 30 years, and I hope to keep going but do feel rather jaded at the moment despite being in the middle of painting up a new iteration of my Sand Dragons Space Marines.

Any advice on these issues would be most gratefully received.

All the very best to you. Big Tanks

Dear Big Tanks,

I think that there are a few compounding issues here that could certainly help you out. I think it is worth admitting that your mind at sixty is going to be different from your mind at thirty, and not even in a way that is meant to be diminishing; it is just likely that you have very different things on your mind and the changing landscape of a hobby you've spent so much time with can make it difficult to stay at the edge of winning. You also admit that you don't play as much as you used to either, and I think it is fair to admit that your issues with winning probably comes with lack of repetition of game states, rules, and other things.

Which is to say that many of your questions and concerns have some similar roots, but there are a few different ways to address them. For one, certainly trying to play more regularly would probably help you feel more confident with the game and then also help you remember rules and secondaries due to having to keep them more at the forefront of your mind. But that may not actually be that reasonable, so let's skip a moment to the issue of playing your longtime friend. You mention that you often find yourself losing to him and that playing can make you anxious.

I think the anxiety comes from the fact that you used to, or considered yourself, good at the game, and now that you are older and have less time for the game, it is harder to stay sharp and ready, thus making you anxious due to the reality that you are no longer "good" at the game. That's a mental state issue, and it can be a difficult one to grapple with. You are certainly coming up against the fact that you spent a long time of your life being "good" at a game that you are no longer "Good" at, but much of that seems to stem less from your skill as a player and more from your unfamiliarity with how the game currently operates. On the other hand, it sounds like your friend stays a bit more abreast of the game and perhaps plays more frequently, and as he is someone familiar with you and how you play, is probably taking advantage of the fact that he knows your tells and the game to win more than he did in the past.

My suggestion for you then is to perhaps turn gaming into something that can be a little more tactile and fun for you while also trying to relieve your anxiety. I often suggest journaling and notekeeping as active skills that can deal with certain things, and I think that keeping a journal or log of your games could be a great way to help you with some of the anxieties you are having. It would also help as you could write down the rules, secondaries, and other things you struggle with, and keep notes of them between games. By turning it into something you actively write, read, and engage with, it should help you remember them. It could also help by allowing you to note things that you feel you're doing well or not well, take notes on things that could be helpful for next time, and also note what your opponent does.

I would also suggest that if you are struggling with rules and app usage, there's nothing wrong with asking if your opponent can help you out. Since you're playing casually, there should be no problem with them reminding you of things, one would think. But, I do think you should try the active method, I think it could really help you continue to enjoy the game while finding ways to actively stimulate yourself into making it easier to engage with the game every time you get a chance to join.

Room-inating on Roommates

Hi, I've been living alone in a two-room apartment from almost 4 years now. I like to host guests and parties at my palace, so I'm not too lonely, but I've never really lived with anyone as an adult for a prolonged period of time. So Ive been pitching the idea that I'm down to share to some of my friends for a while. Despite the comforts, this place is a little too big for me alone, and I would appreciate sharing some chores and expenses in the volatile financial climate of Russia.

Recently, one of my close friends took me up on it, and we've been planning a move-in without too many issues. My friend is transmasc, wears a binder and is on DIY HRT and I know that he often has troubles communicating his needs even when I ask him about it directly. I am amab nonbinary, but due to a political climate and personal gender stuff I have only socially transitioned (as far as you can without attracting unwanted attention, so friends and family and online presence basically), so any medical and other realities of a trans life are removed from me on a practical level even if I'm educated on the theory.

We've all heard that a lot of good friendships and other relationships are often ruined by moving in together, so I'm kinda paranoid to mess things up. So, yeah. Any advice on how to be a good flatmate in general, and any pain points I need to be aware of when living with someone with additional personal needs? I know that communication is always the key, but I'm afraid that I am a little too enthusiastic about the prospect of having a flatmate and might ignore some important aspects of this process as growing pains.

Rejecting solitude, Embracing cohabitation. Non Agone

Dear Non Agone,

Nice to hear from you again!

Glad to hear that you and your roommate are looking to find ways to navigate the increasingly hostile climate of things. I think that you've hit the nail on the head in that communication is key, but something that I think is sometimes misunderstood about that is that the idea that communication fixes everything doesn't address the fact that how that communication is conducted can also be very important. Not everyone responds to direct conversation well, finding it awkward or confrontational, while others may find that conversing via direct, focused conversation is their primary and comfortable way of approaching things.

Boundaries are very important in living with others, whether they be romantic, platonic, or any other form, and I think that you should be sure to set your own as well as ask and respect those of your roommate. While you are the primary in that they are renting from you, you shouldn't go too far in ceding over the space to them; you deserve your space and comfort as well, because you need to live there. You aren't running a hotel for them, nor are you hosting them temporarily.

I think the best thing you could do, if you haven't already, is to have a moment to sit with him and talk about things that he wants, doesn't like, schedule, and other small things. I think also that you two should agree that when something bothers one of you, you should try and find a way to discuss it rather than let it go without being addressed; in a lot of cases, issues of living with another person can grow exponentially when one party views it as "not worth" bringing up for some reason, meaning that every time it comes up it will continue to get worse and worse till someone blows up.

I think that you two can work through things and I also will say that it's great that you were able to find some arrangement that allowed you both to have a safe queer space to occupy. At the same time, I think it is still worth having some conversations about your situations. Obviously both of you live in a fairly unsafe and hostile climate, but you also want to avoid any issues that might arise from your differing levels of being out and transition. I really suggest ensuring you both know the score so to speak, as well as anyone you might invite over (ensuring that you do so safely, of course).

I hope things work out, though, and that you two get some peace and quiet and enjoy having one another around while making things a little more livable!

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Tags: mayday miss marcy